TEXT MESSAGES OUT OF CONTEXT

  1. "I like smooth music sung by black men"
  2. "I'll be your secret service. Like Meechum but without the threeways"
  3. "I woke up cuddling with a hamburger"
  4. "He seemed pretty confident that he didnt mix his milk with your cocoa puffs"
  5. "Did I mention that I found a green feather in my underwear this morning?"
  6. "Who cares if a gunman killed a guy I mean more importantly he killed your sex life"
  7. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL US ABOUT COOKOUT AND NOT VINCE VAUGHN"
  8. "I was just in the shower for upwards of 45 minutes. Al Gore hates me"
  9. "My butt is so big because it's full of secrets"
  10. "Master Olmstead and his posse of hamsters"
    (about @ChrisO)
  11. "Was that the last virginity you had left?"