Potential Titles of the Memoir I Will Probably Never Write

  1. The Doctor's Daughter
    I've come to realize that my father's being a physician has shaped the way I view the world. The word "emergency," for example, is grossly misused outside the medical profession. An emergency is a heart attack or a stroke or internal bleeding. An emergency is not a runny nose, a typo found in a manuscript after it has been submitted, or an inappropriate fumbling voice mail you left for someone you want to date.
  2. Oh Bother, I'm Stuck
    My younger brother is autistic and had severely limited language as a child. Much of his verbalizations consisted of phrases from Winnie the Pooh. When frustrated, my brother, whose speech at the time consisted of th-fronting, would say, "Oh boffer, I'm stuck." My brother has made enormous strides since then and I am so proud of the lovely young man he's become.
  3. Accidental Genius
    My quasi-technophobe mother managed to jerry-rig a digital 15% off coupon at a pricey supermarket so that the expiration date continually regenerated once reached. The store eventually caught on, but only after several months.
  4. When the Queen Calls
    Several years ago, my father once spent somewhere north of 30 minutes during a family dinner listing purported evidence to support his claim that he is related to the British Royal Family. We're still waiting for that call.