THINGS I DO THAT WILL GIVE ME AGE SPOTS

  1. Habitually wash my face with 70% isopropyl rubbing alcohol unless I....
  2. ...get drunk and fall asleep with enough bronzer on to give me a skin color
  3. Fall asleep under marquee lighting
  4. Not use the Lush ejaculate formula my grandma got me two years ago
  5. Leave charcoal masks on for ~2 hours
  6. Take 115 degree Fahrenheit showers
  7. Grow old every day