CELEBRITIES I ACTUALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON BUT I THINK WE'D HAVE AN UNHAPPY LIFE TOGETHER

Inspired by @sarahgorman! What an excellent list!!
  1. Adam Devine
    I meet him at a college party my senior year, where he's "researching a role". He's the first guy I bring home to meet my family, gets too drunk, and pukes everywhere. I instantly break up with him, which leads for an awkward car ride back to the city.
  2. Donald Glover/Childish Gambino
    We would have a classic meet-cute, where he bumps into me at Home Depot and I drop the toilet seat I'm carrying. I make a joke about it, he laughs, and asks for my number. We spend three months together, just "chilling together". He laughs at all of my jokes until he hears me trying to rap one of his songs. Everything I do starts to annoy him until he eventually tells me we have to stop hanging out via text. I later see him do a bit about it on Comedy Central.
  3. Bo Burnham
    We meet at a mutual friends birthday party, where we are both designated drivers. Two months into our friendship, he tells me to come to his comedy show. He saves me a seat in the front row, and, much like Charlie Kelly in "The Nightman Cometh", proposes to me with a musical number. I can't say no to him in front of hundreds of people, so I say yes. I spend the next week avoiding him, only to be cornered by him in front of my house. I have to tell him I can't marry him. We never speak again.
  4. Ryan Reynolds
    I intern on the set of one of his movies and he relentlessly makes fun of everyone on set. One day he goes too far with his insults and I snap at him, defending one of my fellow interns. I immediately get fired and I get an apology email from Ryan. He knows he's a terrible person, but he owns it, and we "hang out" for five weeks until we realize that we both love being right too much to continue our fling.
  5. Jesse Eisenburg
    We meet at a party where we both climb onto a fire escape to escape the drunken shenanigans happening inside. We share a bottle of wine and laugh at each other's jokes. He calls me the next week and we meet up for coffee. We date for a couple months until our mutual fears of intimacy and commitment prevent us from becoming serious.
  6. Chase Crawford
    Our relationship actually makes it farther than all of my other ones so far. He proposes to me, classically, down on one knee. We plan our wedding, but when I go try on wedding dresses, a strange sense of regret overcomes me. For weeks, I act super busy with wedding planning and spend hours talking to my friends to try to figure out why I don't want to marry this seemingly perfect man. At brunch on a Tuesday, I realize that I can't marry a man prettier than me and have to end the engagement.
  7. John Krasinski
    I spend years of our friendship deeply in love with him. I eventually confess this love to him, only to be told that he thinks of me as "a little sister." I am devastated and pine away in my room for weeks, only to be dragged out to a party by my friends. The party is better than I anticipated, as when I'm there, I meet...
  8. Chris Evans
    He's not at the party, but rather in the apartment next door. He knocks on the door to complain about the noise, and as I'm standing closest to the door, I answer it. I invite him in, and we become acquainted throughout the night. I bring him home at Thanksgiving to meet my family. My mom pulls me aside and tells me that he's the one and I tell her that I know. We're married later that year and move to a house with a white picket fence, where we raise three kids and two golden retrievers.