THE TEN CRAZIEST THINGS I HAVE SEEN WORKING AT A BOOKSTORE

This was more difficult than I thought it would be once I decided I would leave out all the nightmare-inducing public restroom experiences.
  1. Harry Potter shoplifter
    She had one of the large hardcover volumes tucked into her snug fitting yoga pants; it was obvious. I offered to ring it up at the cashwrap for her, or if she was still shopping, "we have these handy baskets..." She took it out of her pants, put it back on the shelf, and left. I returned the book to the publisher as "damaged", having been inside someone's pants.
  2. The man asking for a life-sized map of the United States.
  3. The armchair in which the homeless man spent every day
    We had our chairs cleaned occasionally (not often enough). One time we found literally hundreds of empty honey and sugar packets under the cushion. It was kind of sad, really. (Also, never sit in those chairs.)
  4. The lady who came to the cashwrap apparently empty-handed
    She pulled three books out from under her ample upper arm, then paid with wet bills pulled from her bra.
  5. The Harry Potter release parties.
    No explanation needed.
  6. The elderly patrons who have asked for threesomes instead of trilogies.
    I always hoped it was an honest mistake...
  7. The teenaged couple practically having sex on the story time stage in the children's dept.
  8. The giant nest of stuffed animals.
    Wasn't sure whether to be horrified or impressed by whatever child was motivated enough to collect every single stuffed animal in the store, corral them in a circle of benches, in what could only be described as the largest, softest nest I had ever seen.
  9. Demonstrated how easy it was to download ebooks, by downloading the first book I saw on the browse screen, which turned out to be "Everybody Masturbates", complete with cartoon boy with hairy palms.
  10. A penis.
    My first and only experience with a flasher. I was slightly disappointed that he wasn't wearing a trench coat.