How to Be Depressed: An Idiot's Guide to Solitary Confinement in 10 Easy Steps

So, you want to be depressed? You've come to the right place!
  1. You will need:
  2. A laptop
  3. Oreos, goldfish crackers, Cheez-its, or whatever snack you can completely consume in one sitting.
    Upset stomach issues are optional.
  4. Candles, lamps, nightlights, Christmas lights, or whatever your preferred low-lighting happens to be
  5. Books
    John Green is highly recommended
  6. Tea or coffee
    Both for best results.
  7. Water bottles
    Plastic because you don't have the energy for reusable
  8. Pillows
    Lots and lots of pillows
  9. Blankets
    Lots and lots of blankets
  10. An over abundance of the color blue
  11. And adorable mugs or fun socks
    You need at least one happy thing
  12. Step 1:
    Break the lightbulbs for the overhead lighting in your bedroom. This way you have a legitimate reason to stick to using only low lighting like dim lamps or crappy, cheap Christmas lights.
  13. Step 2:
    Turn your bed into a nest. You do this by rearranging all of your furniture so that your bed is completely surrounded. No need to make a space to climb in and out of bed. If you are truly depressed, you will never want to leave.
  14. Step 3:
    MAKE IT BLUE! You ever heard of “the blue period?” It’s the nickname for an artist’s depressing, angsty phase. This is your blue period, therefore: everything must be blue. Everything. Yes, that includes you. You are now going to become a smurf.
  15. Step 4:
    If you don’t have one already, make a Tumblr. Angstily blog about everything. Fear not, there’s never a shortage of angst in Tumblrland!
  16. Step 5:
    Binge watch something. Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, DVDs, VHS tapes, cable, iTunes, whatever you’ve got! Binge wtach! Once you’re done with the first thing, move on to a second, then a third, and a fourth, fifth, sixth… Binging and Tumblr are soulmates. Neither can survive without the other.
  17. Step 6:
    Cover your windows with a thick blankets. Your room must be as dark as your soul.
  18. Step 7:
    Create a stockpile of your snacks and bottled drinks and your trash. For those of you lucky enough to have a fridge or microwave or both in your room: I hate you.
  19. Step 8:
    Hate everything, because everything hates you. No exceptions. Except puppies.
  20. Step 9:
    Listen to only angsty music that your older sisters used to listen to when you were seven. Nothing modern. Only grunge. Think 90s, but not “cool 90s.” Only sad 90s. The more quiet piano or acoustic guitar and muffled sniffles, the better. NO COWBELL.
  21. Step 10:
    Most importantly: worry, obsess, and analyze every detail of everything anyone ever says to you and doesn’t say to you. What does their body language mean? It means they hate you! Why did she sneeze when you opened the window? It’s because she hates you! Why did your teacher mark you wrong when you said 2+2=fish? Because he hates you! They all hate you. Even the ones saying that they “love” you. You know what love is backward? Evol! And you know what that sounds like? Evil! They’re all evil!
  22. Congratulations!
    You are now depressed. Enjoy your years of therapy, self-loathing, and isolation!
  23. P.S:
    If you really are depressed, I’m in the same boat and I’m here whenever you need me. Eat a bucket of cookie dough, watch a Pixar movie, pet a dog or cat, hug your parents, go outside, and breathe. You are beautiful. You are worth it. You are needed and wanted. You are loved. Keep calm and carry on. This too shall pass.