THOUGHTS OF BEING INSULTED BY MY FRIEND'S MOM

  1. "Hey, thanks for picking me up"
  2. Alright, I'm glad my friend (Sarah) and her mom are picking me up to go to the mall- I didn't have another ride.
  3. "Anytime!"
  4. Her mom is smiling. That's good.
  5. I want to be liked by my friend's parents.
  6. Make conversation, Kat.
  7. Don't just let this awkward silence creep in.
  8. Dammit it's too late.
  9. Okay think of something witty to say..
  10. Okay how about a good ol' fashion terrible pun.
  11. Everyone loves bad puns.
  12. They're so bad they're good.
  13. But I can't think of anything.
  14. Kat, just say anything funny.
  15. Anything funny at all.
  16. She just sighed and my friend is on her phone— like always.
    How many likes did that selfie get, Sarah? Did your crush comment "babe 😍" like usual?
  17. She's completely tuned out to reality.
  18. I don't want to be one of those kids who are like "I was born in the wrong generation."
  19. To those people: if your Instagram bio is "I was born in the wrong generation" with the rolling eyes emoji, I can pretty much guarantee you that you were not born in the wrong generation
  20. Anyway-
  21. Think of something funny, Kat.
  22. Be gregarious.
  23. Should I just go on my phone?
  24. No.
  25. Then her mom will just be like
  26. "another one of Sarah's friends— just a slave to her cell"
  27. Of course she'd call it a "cell"
  28. Why do I even care what her mom thinks?
  29. I don't know. So much self doubt.
  30. Who am I?
  31. What is my purpose?
  32. Save the existential questions for later, Kat.
  33. Oh, I have an idea.
  34. And she's at a red light, perfect.
  35. "You know, I was looking through some old photo albums earlier and I found this really funny photo of me"
  36. This is hilarious, Kat. They're going to laugh so hard.
  37. This is genius.
  38. Okay, the photo is pulled up and I'm showing them...
  39. They're laughing.
  40. Her mom is almost crying she thinks it's so funny.
  41. It's a picture of me nearly being attacked by a dolphin at Sea World
  42. When I was like six.
  43. I look absolutely petrified.
  44. This is great. I have like three double chins.
  45. What a great ice breaker.
  46. "Look at all that baby fat!"
  47. Did her mom just call me fat?
  48. No, Kat, don't get offended.
  49. She called six year old you fat.
  50. Six year olds don't really have baby fat though...
  51. And I'm sure she knows that.
  52. My friend just went back to her phone.
  53. Her mom is still chuckling.
  54. What the hell?
  55. It wasn't THAT funny.
  56. "See, Sarah, you do NOT have chubby cheeks."
  57. Where is this going...
  58. "Mom, yes I do. They're so fat"
  59. Sarah is literally a model.
  60. Okay, it's not for a super serious agency
  61. She just does local fashion shows
  62. But still
  63. She's a model
  64. And she doesn't have chubby cheeks at all
  65. Whatsoever
  66. "Sarah look at that picture of Kat! THAT is what chubby cheeks look like."
  67. Um alright
  68. So should I just stay quiet during this or
  69. Should I stick up for myself
  70. "Guess I went a little heavy on the chicken nuggets back then, huh"
  71. The best way to stop people from making fun of you is making a joke about the insecurity itself
  72. They don't get joy out of it once they see the insultee doesn't care about being insulted anymore
  73. Her mom is laughing
  74. Really hard.
  75. Like really, really hard.
  76. Oh no.
  77. Not again.
  78. What have I provoked...?
  79. "You're so right, Kat!"
  80. Her mom is nearly doubling over the steering wheel she thinks I'm so funny
  81. IM NOT THAT FUNNY
  82. "Sarah, look at Kat's cheeks. Those are chubby cheeks. Not yours. Your face is so slim"
  83. Haha yeah
  84. Wait
  85. She said "look at Kat's cheeks"
  86. What could Sarah look at if I don't have the picture from my phone out to show them any longer—
  87. OH WHAT THE HELL
  88. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ME, LIKE CURRENT ME
  89. "Uh..."
  90. Her mom just squeezed my cheek
  91. DID SHE ACTUALLY JUST REACH BACK AND SQUEEZE MY CHEEK
  92. I feel like Iago (the parrot) from Aladdin
  93. The really sarcastic one who always gets crackers shoved in his mouth
  94. And is kinda powerless. I'm gonna stand up for myself.
  95. "Uh that's kind of offensive"
  96. They didn't listen to me, now I'm getting angry. Is this what the Hulk feels like? Yeah, yeah it is.
  97. "IM SURPRISED MY CHUBBY CHEEKS EVEN FIT INTO THIS THIMBLE YOU CALL A VOLVO EVEN WITH YOUR EGO TAKING UP MOST OF THE SPACE. AND YOU, SARAH, IM SO HAPPY YOUR SLIM CHEEKS AREN'T FAT LIKE MINE OR ELSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE ALL FIT IN THIS CAR"
  98. Her mom is starting to cry.
  99. I'm a terrible person. Bruce Banner, how do you clean up the mess the Hulk makes?