Types of Horses, Ranked

  1. 1.
    Lil Sebastians
    Tiny and occasionally wear sneakers when visiting the ill and elderly to offer their miniature comfort. The right height to kick a man forcefully in the kneecap.
  2. 2.
    Dancing horse
    Seems like it takes a lot of coordination, which I lack.
  3. 3.
    Lisa Frank horse
    Colorful, joyous, and accepting. Not to be confused with Lisa Frank unicorns, which aren’t real.
  4. 4.
    Giant beer horse
    The Tom Hardy of horses. Delightfully large. Seems like the type that has worn a trucker hat in the past and regrets the follies of youth. Also, brings beer.
  5. 5.
    Period drama horse
    Top 5 because sometimes they help display a beautiful British man’s legs to full advantage, but sometimes they look like they would have a home brewery and only listen to vinyl if they were people.
  6. 6.
    Horse that jumps over stuff
    Some of the stuff is so tall? Like 7 feet tall? COULD THIS HORSE JUMP OVER THE MOON? Maybe.
  7. 7.
    Horse ensorcelled into compliance by the police force
    Deserve our pity; it doesn’t seem like pigs were meant to ride horses. Very uncomfortable.
  8. 8.
    Horse girl horse
    I suspect these horses have Only Child Syndrome or at least have been so coddled they lack the ability to do their own taxes. Do they even pay taxes? Where do you think ROADS come from, horse?
  9. 9.
    Horse that runs fast
    Horse who seems to think it can do something special when cars and cheetahs are faster. Ridiculous
  10. 10.
    Dancing horse, but with hip-hop
    Tries too hard.
  11. 11.
    Horses made of non-flesh material
    You’re not fooling anyone, childhood rocking horse. And no one loves you anymore.
  12. 12.
    Charlie horse
    The ultimate betrayal of one’s body.
  13. 13.
    Brony
    One of them once filled a jar with Rainbow Dash and his own cum, then accidentally boiled it on a radiator. I rest my case.