1. "I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuugh"
  2. "I hate when i'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle"
  3. "Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I'm looking to have a conference... not until I get the table though"
  4. "Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on"
  5. "I ordered the salmon medium instead of medium well I didn't want to ruin the magic"
  6. "you may be talented, but you're not kanye west"
  7. "I make awesome decisions in bike stores!!!"
  8. "Sometimes I get emotional over fonts"
  9. "I just threw some kazoo on this bitch"
  10. "I could never do stand up cause I tell jokes better when I'm sitting"
  11. "sometimes I push the door close button on people running towards the elevator. I just need my own elevator sometimes, my 7 floor sanctuary"
  13. "If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. ...."
    My personal favorite
  14. "Why don't they make Macbooks that get online like the IPad... that's some bullshit man"
  15. "I think Twitter was designed specifically with me in mind just my humble opinion hahhhahaaaahaaa humble hahahahahhahaahaaaa"
  16. "Just looking at my closet, wool suits, fedoras, trenches and furs... I'm bout to put fall in the hospital ... Ima hurt the season"