MY MANY FAMOUS FATHERS
Just as many teens call various female celebrities "mom" now, I have taken to calling these 4 fine men "dad"
- •Dwayne "The Rock" JohnsonWould be able to scoop me up in his arms like these French Bulldogs even though I'm 5'11". We'd have an ongoing bit where he'd ask me each night if I was going to go to the gym with him at 4 the next morning and every time I'd say "maybe next time" with a shrug. He'd give me a commissioned painting of his lesbian turtleneck picture as a Christmas present because I cherish it so much.
- •Alton BrownWould try to teach me how to cook and be mortified when I get baking soda and baking powder confused but still tell me "this happens to everyone once" even though he's never made this mistake and this is not the first time I've gotten them confused. He'd remake the banana bread as soon as I left the room.
- •Pharrell WilliamsWould try a little too hard to be the 'cool dad' but is actually really cool so it wouldn't matter and also what is more dad than trying to be the cool dad. He'd support me when I decide to wear a daring pair of palm leaf patterned culottes and I would support him through every daring hat choice.
- •Steve HarveyWould be the most problematic of my fathers. He would always take bad jokes to the point of awkwardness in front of my friends and we'd clash over his old fashioned views, but this makes him nearest to my real father and therefore the most comforting.