1. EVERYTHING IS FINE
    I don't have a crush on anyone! Life is good! I'm too independent to be in a relationship and dating is dumb! True love is only something old married couples and 1 out of every 500 Bachelor contestants find! I love never sharing all the takeout I order!!
  2. NOTHING IS FINE
    (Minutes after realizing crush) WHERE IS CRUSH WHAT IS CRUSH DOING I BET CRUSH EVEN LOOKS CUTE WHEN SHE SLEEPS I DONT LOOK CUTE WHEN I SLEEP CRUSH WILL NEVER LOVE ME I AM TRASH