DESPERATE ATTEMPTS TO GET ATTENTION
. . .and how it worked out for me. 💘
- •The second grade "I Love You" valentine.When I was a kid, the packages of paper valentines we gave out always had one that said "I love you." In the second grade, I stuffed that one into Kevin's valentine shoebox on the sly. Later I watched him to see what would happen when he opened it. He read it, looked around suspiciously, then tucked it into his pocket. In middle school, we slow danced at his Bar Mitzvah. (Not a euphemism.) I think we might be married in the eyes of the Lord now?
- •"I gave her my heart; she gave me a pen."Nearly every day of 8th grade Earth Science class, Peyton asked me if he could borrow a pen. I always had an extra one for him, even though he never once returned a pen he borrowed. I'm pretty sure he's keeping them in the shrine he built to me. . .but just neglected to mention at our last high school reunion.
- •An anonymous love letter.A week before Valentine's Day when I was 14, I wrote in my journal that my crush had smiled, waved, and said "hi!" to me. I decided to mail him an anonymous letter if he didn't ask me out. He didn't, so I did. He's now married to a woman who looks like me. They seem happy on Facebook. You're welcome NotKatie M.!
- •"Once, I ran to you. . ."After my college freshman boyfriend broke up with me and stared hanging around the girl who lived at the end of the hall, I hand-wrote the lyrics of "Tainted Love" on a sign and hung it on my dorm room door so he'd see it every time he walked past and realize his terrible error. That song is totally stuck in my head right now.
- •The nickname.After I developed a crush on a fella in my government class study group, I gave him a nickname (origin unremembered) and used his full + nickname at every opportunity. Daniel "Fast Money" Really is now a Prinicipal/Owner at a successful asset management group. Apparently if I give you a nickname, you will either fall in love with me OR become your name because I am a wizard.
- •Watermelon poetry.I wrote a funny poem on a whole watermelon and left it on my friend's front porch because I was hoping his roommate would see it and fall in love with me. Instead, their idiot friend found it and fell in love with me. Telling him I wasn't interested only encouraged him to call me more. He finally listened when our mutual friend kindly asked him to cease and desist his pursuit. And I vowed to never write on fruit again.
- •The List AppIn The Old Days, I was on a great first date, and mentioned this magnificent place. Before the date even ended, he asked me out on a second date. We texted later that evening, and each expressed how much fun we had. (Later, I mentioned him last on a list: THOSE TIMES I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ON A HIDDEN CAMERA JOKE SHOW 🏀) But he never responded to my last text. Is he one of my new android followers? I eagerly await his first Li.st: "99 Reasons Why I'm Sorry I Ghosted Katie B." Consider yourself LIST REQUESTED, fella.