1. I can't, I was supposed to have a rock fight with this crazy guy. (Beat) well he's like 20 minute late so let's go
  2. The hardest thing about living in the pit is keeping my suit pressed. And the rats.
  3. I'm gonna make 32 bucks tonight! I owe Leslie everything I have. Which after tonight will be $39.
  4. That Ralph Machio guy is a total douche.
    In reference to Jean Ralphio
  5. I got a really sweet deal on my lease--I'm paying about 12% interest. It's like one of the highest you can get.
  6. Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because honestly that's kind of a deal breaker.
  7. I'd like to remake the movie Shazam with Shaquille O'Neill, but this time I'll get it right.
  8. If you rearrange the letters of "Peru," you can spell "Europe"
  9. I'm just a beginner. I barely haven't even ever seen a... gortar.
    In guitar lessons after April told him to play dumb
  10. I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
  11. Can we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?
  12. Don't you do it, Hitler. Don't you dare fall in love with me.
  13. I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!
    (They were at Buckingham Palace)
  14. 🎤everybody pees the bed, just something that we do. I for instance peed the bed, til I was 32 🎤
    (As Johnny Karate)
  15. I once threw beer at a swan and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.
  16. I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have "network connectivity problems"
    Suggested by   @sarahgorman
  17. (When talking about good comebacks) Kim Kardashian? I think she got cum on her back...
    Suggested by   @olive
  18. All my favorite foods have butter on them. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes (gasps) butter is my favorite food!
    Suggested by   @emmastrickler
  19. Where are the faces?...of the presidents?
    (at the Grand Canyon)
    Suggested by   @margaretmae
  20. I once ate a twix bar with the wrapper on it.
    Suggested by   @margaretmae
  21. I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.
    Suggested by   @margaretmae
  22. I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.
    Suggested by   @treezus
  23. Macklin, you son of a bitch.
    Suggested by   @franksars
  24. "My name is Burt Macklin. *smashes mug* AND IM WITH THE FBI."
    Suggested by   @MatthewAlmont
  25. "If you are watching, perpetrator, just know that you are still at large." -Burt Macklin, FBI
    Suggested by   @lindseyryanb
  26. K-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i
    Suggested by   @bkfergus
  27. I'm not crying, okay? I'm allergic to jerks!
    Suggested by   @moonjockey
  28. Sometimes, when I'm wiping... I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... Still poop, still poop... It's like wiping a marker...
    Suggested by   @joemurphy
  29. Andy: “Oh, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?” Chris: “Skittle sandwich.” Andy: “That’s pretty good. No, I call it Andy’s mouth surprise.
    Suggested by   @CrystalAlmazan
  30. "we are under direct orders from Mayor Gundersons dog"
    Suggested by   @katelms
  31. Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That would be IMPOSSIBLE.
    Suggested by   @jess3842
  32. his explanation of what he'd do if he caught his dad speeding; "First I'd be like, Dad, you're alive? What the hell? Also do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"
    Suggested by   @audreyxwg