LAST FIVE ILLNESSES I DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH USING WEBMD

It might be hypochondria, it might be generalized anxiety. But it's probably nothing.
  1. Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease
    Mild rash = viral lesions, right?
  2. Mittelschmerz
    The fancy name for "painful ovulation." I arrived at this conclusion only after wondering for hours if I'd had a miscarriage—this despite the fact that I'd been living a sexless existence for months and months. And months.
  3. Rumination
    The overthinking-and-depressed-and-socially-withdrawn kind of rumination, not the eating disorder some infants and children have—the one where they keep regurgitating their food and then eating it over and over again on an endless loop. But I might've had that 20 years ago.
  4. Chronic Progressive Headaches
    Further evidence that I maybe, probably have a brain tumor.
  5. Early Onset Macular Degeneration
    Because my depth perception is really poor—that's why I will never be able to parallel park my car and don't even try anymore.