Disclaimer: Not actually a mom
  1. "I wish I had feet on my butt and my penis and my head because I love feet."
  2. "I am just OBSESSED with coloring these days."
  3. On being in a band: "I don't think I'm ready to be the frontman yet—my toes don't even touch the floor when I sit down."
  4. *Sniffs* "I can smell something stinky coming from California."
  5. Upon meeting a dog he didn't like: "We don't need that beast in our lives."
  6. "Look at all this fucking traffic."
  7. Resolving conflict on the playground: "I don't want you to fight me because it hurts my heart."
  8. Advice for a friend: "How about you eat your piroshky instead of your boogers?"
  9. *Sighs* "All I want to do is listen to Haim."
  10. "You like surprises. But not skunk surprises."
  11. On his existential crisis: "I don't think I know quite anything about this life yet."
  12. A summary of Tarzan: "It's about a man who wears his underwear outside!"
  13. On pigeons: "These parrots are going to grab my hair, pick me up in the sky, fly me to their nest, and eat me. So I think we should just go home."
  14. "When I grow up, I'll be a construction worker, then a Ninja Turtle. And then, when I'm old enough, I want to be a mom."
  15. "I'm always prepared for the streets."
  16. "I wish I could be part of the body. I wish I could be a nose. Because I just want to SNOT."
  17. About me when I'm grumpy: "Drama, drama, drama."