CHRISTMAS LIST FOR SICK PEOPLE AND/OR THE ELDERLY--FINE, JUST ME.

Ugh.
  1. 1.
    A diamond medical ID bracelet
    If I have to flash it, I'm gonna fucking flash it, man.
  2. 2.
    King-size heated blanket so I can wrap myself in My Beautiful Comfortable Taco Burrito Sleep Sack™
  3. 3.
    Ralph Lauren down comforter to put over the heated blanket, ensuring that My Beautiful Comfortable Taco Burrito Sleep Sack™ provides true comfort and joy
  4. 4.
    Digital pill dispenser to ensure I don't "accidentally" take 2 muscle relaxants.
    They make me nicer.
  5. 5.
    $100 GENUINE flannel pajamas with a waist that gives with time
  6. 6.
    The Clapper but to shut my door for when my parents leave it open after checking on me oh god what is my life
  7. 7.
    A magic serum that lets me sleep through the night without having to get up and pee
  8. 8.
    A travel massage/heat pad so every seat I take is pure bliss
  9. 9.
    Pajama jeans cuz sometimes I gotta run out to Wegmans for sleepy time tea and Mylanta
    Don't forget the Prep H and Enteman's crummie cake.
  10. 10.
    One of those dope infrared thermometers
    I'd have a baby just to register for this shit, man!