DISPATCHES FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM

Stupid pneumonia is trying to kill me.
  1. Haha my heart rate is so high they immediately brought me back.
    150, what up! 🙌🏼
  2. Everyone here looks like they're one breath from death
  3. Except me, I'm obviously stunning.
  4. Two of the nurses recognized me.
    Sort of proud, mostly depressed.
  5. OLD PEOPLE SHOULD NOT SHOVEL.
    Literal 💔
  6. Dumb kids should not sled into poles.
    When in doubt, eject yourself from the sled in time!
  7. Being in the ER does not make invisible or mute. We can all hear your burps and INCREDIBLY LOUD yawns, Man Who Looks Fine To Me.
  8. I need a morphine drip for this chest pain, yo.
    Should I scream CHEST PAIN?
  9. Seriously, my chest hurts like I'm wearing a bra!
    And I'm definitely not!
  10. I can't believe my doctor made me come here. I'm missing Ellen.
  11. The ER is so cold, as if they're preparing us for the morgue, one floor below.
  12. Wonder where I can score some hummus.
  13. Save me. 🙏🏻