It's lonely at the top.
  1. First boy-girl party, 5th grade
    My friend Nikki had the first co-ed birthday party. It was a very big deal amongst the parents and was spoken about in hushed, reverent tones throughout the adult email chain during the weeks leading up. The reason it was so epic wasn't because it was the first boy-girl party, but because it was the first boy-girl party and we were (all 25 of us) allowed in her bedroom, unsupervised. What did we do in said bedroom? We each took a Twizzler and spent 30 minutes pistol whipping one another. Epic.
  2. Chinese Wok party, 6th grade
    For my friend @maggzerts sixth grade birthday party, her parents took about fifteen of us to an all you could eat Chinese Wok buffet. This birthday party was the Bill Murray of extravaganzas: filling, cheap, underrated, a little sketchy, and satisfying as all hell.
  3. Basement dance party, 2nd grade
    For my eighth birthday I had a basement dance party. I split everyone up into teams and we all had to make dances to the current NOW album that was making its way through our mothers' minivans. I also made my two teenage cousins judge the dances and perform one of their own as a "simple gift to me". They were 16.
  4. Painting and Crying party, 6th grade
    My friend Ashley hosted her twelfth birthday party at her house. It was a sleepover party where we painted jewelry boxes at her kitchen table and put on "Listen to Your Heart" by DHT on repeat through her kitchen boom-box. We then watched The Notebook and sobbed in her basement (mostly me). Also, we hid @maggzerts stuffed animal and she cried under the air hockey table for two hours.
  5. Angsty Expression party, 9th grade
    Ashley again with the low-key ragers. We were fourteen and thought nobody in the world was more angry and misunderstood than us. We blasted emo music for seven hours in her living room and head banged around one another into our digital cameras. We then played two hours of volleyball. Half of us were wearing band tshirts and Jean Bermuda shorts.
  6. The party that lost us a roommate, sophomore year of college
    For my twentieth birthday, my seven college roommates threw me an accent party. Attendees (my 85 closest friends) all had to show up wearing a costume and speaking in the accent of that said costume for the entire night. Up until midnight, when I went from being an old teenager to a confused adult, the only two songs that were allowed to play were Teenage Dream and Teenage Dirtbag. I chucked hundreds of starbursts at everyone that melted into our carpet and lost us our security deposit.