Reasons I Cannot Fall Asleep Right Now

I have to wake up in 7 hours, but I am wide awake. Unfortunately.
  1. Arnold Palmer has died.
    Though I never watched the King play, there's this autographed picture of him at my family's cabin and I'm racking my brain to remember what it says. Was it for my great uncle Len? Who even is my great uncle Len?? When did Arnold Palmer invent the Arnold Palmer??? Also, he died 5 minutes away from me and I feel like we're too connected right now for me to sleep.
  2. Someone is doing laundry.
    The washer and dryer are right under my bed, so I can't fall asleep when someone is doing laundry. It doesn't help that the dryer is on an uneven surface, so it sounds like a herd of buffalo are passing through.
  3. Someone was shot in my front yard yesterday.
    Honestly, this isn't keeping me up, I just wanted to brag about it. Also, 4 people were shot in my front yard yesterday in the 20 minutes it took me to run to Target for lime juice, but only 2 of the people have been found. Wild.
  4. My neighbor's dog is barking.
    I've gotten so used to this that I can usually fall asleep anyway, but this dog is literally rattling it's cage like a prisoner running its cup along its cell door. But, like, faster and louder. No, dog. I am a poor college student. I don't have change to give to you!
  5. I drank a glass of wine an hour ago and now I am ready to partayyyy
    There is a window after I finish a glass of wine where I could pass out in an instant if I wanted to, but if I miss it, I'm awake for hours. This is probably a sugar rush, since I drink really sweet wines, but I like to think of it as a game. I blame Arnold Palmer for me losing tonight. From what I've heard, a lot of people lost to Arnold Palmer, so I feel like I'm part of a club now.
  6. It kind of smells like weed in here??
    I really despise my neighbors.
  7. I got a Chow Dog as my Patronus and it just isn't sitting well with me.
    A chow dog??????????????????