Things I Would Endorse if I Was a Celebrity
Inspired by @sarahmccoy
- •Lara BarsThese are the shit. Especially the chocolate chip brownies ones—beyond good. They're supposed to be all natural so they could still be considered a ~celebrity~ snack but they would never taste like it.
- •Johnson's Baby Body Wash as Face SoapI can hear it now: my annoying nasal tones saying something like "if you want your skin to look young, you have to treat it like it's young" to a very bored Ellen. Come on self, this is Ellen, get in the fucking dunk tank. (Typing this whole section made me feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.)
- •Painting As A Form of Exercise/Behrs PaintMaybe I'd be one of those annoying "down to earth" celebrities who is "just like you" because I fucking hate working out—so much so that when I paint my house I'm actually sore the next day. Buy Behrs paint, it does the job in just one coat!
- •American Girl DollsEventually I'd settle down with somebody stable and successful (read as: extremely hot and famous/read as: Leonardo Dicaprio or Jon Hamm) and we'd have some really cute kids and Ellen (by now, a friend of the family) would ask what their favorite toy is and I'd tell a charming story about having brunch at the American Girl Dolls story in NYC and she'd give Little Tulip (celebrity-y enough?) an Ellen American Girl doll.
- •Marriott HotelsI'm not going to lie, they have never disappointed me and their single-serving lotions are divine (celebrity word.)
- •Bear Grylls' ExistenceI'm too fucking high maintenance to go on his show, but what a badass.
- •Sphynx CatsHairless cats are the shit and definitely add to my ~cool~ factor as a celebrity. "I had a cat with hair growing up but in college I adopted a hairless cat and he is just the coolest. Such a lover! Such an attention whore! He really gets me" I fake laugh to Ryan Seacrest (who has obviously asked about my interesting Instagram posts, on the red carpet.) (Here he is pictured with my Oscar...)
- •NetflixNeeds no explaining. All hail Netflix.