Things I Would Endorse if I Was a Celebrity

Inspired by @sarahmccoy
  1. Lara Bars
    These are the shit. Especially the chocolate chip brownies ones—beyond good. They're supposed to be all natural so they could still be considered a ~celebrity~ snack but they would never taste like it.
  2. Johnson's Baby Body Wash as Face Soap
    I can hear it now: my annoying nasal tones saying something like "if you want your skin to look young, you have to treat it like it's young" to a very bored Ellen. Come on self, this is Ellen, get in the fucking dunk tank. (Typing this whole section made me feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.)
  3. Painting As A Form of Exercise/Behrs Paint
    Maybe I'd be one of those annoying "down to earth" celebrities who is "just like you" because I fucking hate working out—so much so that when I paint my house I'm actually sore the next day. Buy Behrs paint, it does the job in just one coat!
  4. American Girl Dolls
    Eventually I'd settle down with somebody stable and successful (read as: extremely hot and famous/read as: Leonardo Dicaprio or Jon Hamm) and we'd have some really cute kids and Ellen (by now, a friend of the family) would ask what their favorite toy is and I'd tell a charming story about having brunch at the American Girl Dolls story in NYC and she'd give Little Tulip (celebrity-y enough?) an Ellen American Girl doll.
  5. Marriott Hotels
    I'm not going to lie, they have never disappointed me and their single-serving lotions are divine (celebrity word.)
  6. Bear Grylls' Existence
    I'm too fucking high maintenance to go on his show, but what a badass.
  7. Sphynx Cats
    Hairless cats are the shit and definitely add to my ~cool~ factor as a celebrity. "I had a cat with hair growing up but in college I adopted a hairless cat and he is just the coolest. Such a lover! Such an attention whore! He really gets me" I fake laugh to Ryan Seacrest (who has obviously asked about my interesting Instagram posts, on the red carpet.) (Here he is pictured with my Oscar...)
  8. Netflix
    Needs no explaining. All hail Netflix.