Reasons One Direction are personally trying to ruin your life

Take it from me, a reasonable and objective source that definitely has no stake in this
  1. They broke up
    Okay aside from the wildly irresponsible choice to make themselves no longer a gang-bangable entity, they are throwing a whole lot of drama you didn't ask for into your WHOLE THING. Like now I have to answer to all my family members who caught wind of this obsession and think they know my struggle. No, Auntie Laura, I don't know why Zack left now please leave me to grieve.
  2. Harry cut his hair
    I mean if they're all trying to ruin my life individually it's fine. Might as well carpet bomb my emotions from every direction (wink wonk) to be thorough. But did old Samson Styles have to cut his beautiful locks and wound me so close to home? I demand retribution by way of photos of him on set making out with Tom Hardy.
  3. They all look better now than they ever have
    Naturally as soon as they're all semi-out of the public eye, they look better than ever. I like that they are styling themselves now, questionable new tattoos and crustaches and sweatpants and all. They look relatable. Dirty. Weak. Like I could take them in a fist fight. Which I plan to.
  4. No new music
    What am I supposed to listen to while I stare out into the rain and contemplate my own mortality? The 82 hours of music including all bonus tracks, interviews, and live performances ripped from YouTube I have in my iTunes? Well fine if you insist