HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR 2016

  1. Juice cleanse! Early AND often because beach season will be here before you know it!
  2. Okay listen we don't have much time
  3. My roommates and I left our apartment open during Christmas break and now we have rats.
  4. Rats everywhere. It's a good sized militia
  5. They've grown in size and intelligence and I have reason to believe they've tapped our phones.
  6. This is the only safe space I have to communicate with the outside world.
  7. If you have any spare canned food please send them over immediately. Our food rations have been completely depleted.
  8. We also need around 6 gallons of gasoline. We're going to smoke them out and push their numbers back to exclusively inhabit the kitchen area.
  9. I will send a signal flare that will appear behind the whole foods in Westwood around 3:30 am PST. If there is a god, he isn't with us any longer.
  10. Take that spin class you've been putting off!