Keough's Guide to Surviving the Passover Seder

  1. Seder means Order. Someone is going to ask if anyone knows what Seder means like it's some rare crazy fact so know this right away and shut this bozo down quick.
  2. Four cups of wine means four cups of wine. Know your rights
  3. If you are the youngest at the Seder, if you stop doing the Four Questions right after your Bat Mitzvah, then people will accept it because it's you wanting to be mature. But wait an extra year and they'll think you're just a brat. I learned this the hard way. Trust me doing the four questions into your mid teens is not a good look
  4. A fun prank is when you open the door for Elijah come back smelling like cigarettes
  5. Don't let the bad taste fool you: macaroons are super high calorie. Don't think you're a hero for eating them
  6. The gnarlier the matzoh looks the better it tastes
  7. Same with charoset
  8. Weirdly small bites of bitter herbs taste nasty but big bites taste pretty okay if you don't chew too much. So take big bites of big pieces and blow some minds
  9. The Afikomen isn't where it was last year. It's where it was two years ago
  10. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. Not about what Pharoah wore, not about whether he knew Cleopatra, not about whether the desert was anything like Coachella-NOTHING. Rule of thumb is you will delay dinner by approx half an hour per question