i was a copywriter at an ad agency for a couple of years. towards the end, they laid all my friends off and gave me the leftover burden. so i slowly became entirely apathetic and began playing hooky often.
  1. accidentally took a xanax instead of my heartburn pill this morning.
    I've definitely used this excuse twice and it's legit.
  2. food poisoning
    shoutout to @Shrimptooth for this advice. this has become my go-to, no one can really call you out on it bc it comes out of nowhere and only lasts a perfect work day. I usually blame grocery store sushi.
  3. apartment is getting robbed
    I've used this to leave work early. just ran up to my boss and said 'my landlord called and said there was a break-in, gotta go see what the deal is.'
  4. threw my back out/hurt my leg
    problem w this one is that you gotta pretend like you're still in pain once you go back to the office. tip - gotta always remember what lies you tell.
  5. parents are in town
    of course they aren't.
  6. 'minor car accident, gonna be a little late'
    usually just call early say I got into a fender bender, then i call back a half hour later saying that 'they're telling me now that my car is not safe enough to drive and it's gotta be towed to a mechanic. idk anything about cars or how long this is gonna take' then I fall back asleep. wake up 'still at the mechanic, ill just work from home today'. then i don't work from home. then you just gotta park far away from your boss' spot for a week.
  7. 'i swear i thought everyone got off Labor Day?!'
    also works for Memorial Day and any other national holiday that your asshole company isn't giving you a day off for
  8. "What are you talking about? I was here all day!"
    i had the advantage of working in a GIANT warehouse, turned new-age-industrial-looking wide open office. so i just said i was working out of a room i know no one goes in. this excuse also worked twice. tip - can't tell the same lie more than twice.
  9. flu
    an oldie but a goodie. you use this excuse to skip a thursday... you got yourself a four day weekend. pending your apathy, you might be able to start this excuse earlier in the week for some more r&r.
  10. can't come in today, jumanji is happening to me
    never used this one but I wanted to
  11. My apt is flooding?? I've used this it makes no sense.
    Suggested by @juliavalentine