BEST UNUSED HEADLINES I WROTE FOR THE ONION

i was a headline contributor for the Onion News Network for a couple of years. they very often didn't choose my ideas...
  1. Coy High Schooler Gives Teacher Apple In Hopes Of One Day Fucking Her
  2. Germany To Commemorate Berlin Wall By Rebuilding It
  3. Young Couple Divorcing Just To Get It Out Of The Way
  4. Goatse Rumored To Replace Ferguson On Late Late Show
  5. New Medication Takes Away Dreams and Aspirations
  6. Supercuts Giving Discounts To Those Who Were Molested At A Supercuts
  7. Pistol-Whipping Ranked Worst Way To Educate Your Child, Third Year In A Row
  8. Right Guard Releases New Anti-Depressant Deodorant
  9. New Rob Ford Smoking Crack Web Series Surfaces
  10. Jack In The Box To Premiere New Red Velvet Cheeseburger
  11. Katherine Heigl Wondering What Kind Of Memorial Ceremonies Would Be Held When She Dies
  12. Studies Show Woodrow Wilson Would Have Been Gay If He Were Alive Today
  13. Lemonparty Men Rumored To Be Daft Punk and Banksy
  14. David Only Going To Jesse's House Because He Has A Pool
  15. Nation's Softball Teams Really Wishes It Was Just For The Guys
  16. Trenton Wondering When There Will Be A Crime-Drama About Them
  17. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Adopt A Highway
  18. Biden To Attend Coachella, Both Weekends
  19. Germany Would Really Appreciate It If Hollywood Stopped Making Films About The Holocaust
  20. Elephant In The Room Tired Of All The Attention