100% FOOLPROOF WAYS OF GETTING YOUR SCRIPT READ BY ~HOLLYWOOD INSIDERS~

These methods work for half-hour and hour-long television pilots, features, and... did you just ask about *plays*? go back to smoking cloves outside Cooper Union, you beatnik
  1. Print your script out at a FedEx Office, roll it up, bind it with the hair of a virgin -- female or male, it doesn't matter, this is 2015 -- put it in a hand-blown glass bottle, and gently release it into the Pacific from a beach in Malibu
    If you want to make a ceremony of it, that's fine, but don't feel any pressure
  2. Dig a hole. Keep digging. Keep digging. Keep digging
    Keep digging. Keep digging. Keep digging. Can you hear the whispering voices of the primordial beings who gave us this Earth to destroy? Cool, bury the script
  3. Feed the script to a chimera
    That chimera's got an uncle at WME, dude
  4. Bring the script, frankincense, and myrrh to the genie that lives underneath Good Times at Davey Wayne's
    He also likes Budweiser tallboys
  5. Smoke the script with your friend Terry's dad during Coachella
    Do not do the ketamine Terry's dad offers you afterward
  6. Get a sitting city-councilmember to pass your script into law by promising you'll teach her to play tennis
    Alternatively, get elected to city council yourself
  7. Make the script the center of a messianic religion
    I mean, obviously