HOW TO TALK TO THAT PERSON AT THE BAR

so you're at The Bar, drinking a beverage, and you see a boy / girl who stops your heart, literally stops it. after you're resuscitated, HOW IN THE WORLD do you approach them? here's how in the world
  1. send them a glass of ice water
    one, ice water shows you're environmentally conscious; none of this plastic-bottle shit for Captain Planet over here. two, it shows you're nuanced: you work with liquids and solids, all at once; you've got depth, you respect chemistry. THREE, it's literally what his or her body is made of. you understand them already
  2. pay everyone else in the bar to stop speaking out loud and just move their lips in a pantomime of conversation
    cut through the noise in a real way. now you two can get to ~know~ each other. bonus points if you get the bartender in on it too
  3. make only unrelated declarative statements
    you've only got a small window, champ. get as much information out there as possible by rattling off lists of facts, brief personal nuggets, and bite-sized zodiac horoscopes. do not stop speaking
  4. ALTERNATIVELY: only ask questions
    demonstrate your interest by hitting the interrogative mood HARD. if you mess up, hang your head in shame and beg for forgiveness
  5. pretend to be a bartender
    how many times have you seen someone give their # to a bartender? crazy! level the playing field by vaulting the bar and getting a little of that shine for yourself. ask him or her what they want to drink and then make something completely different that you came up with on the spot, using as many top-shelf alcohols as possible. dazzle them with your creativity!
  6. host the afterparty
    every bar has an afterparty! didn't you know that? god, no wonder you need all these tips
  7. play "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" over and over on the jukebox while standing next to it, crying openly
    they'll think, "who's that mysterious loner with the deep emotional connection to Billy Joel and the confidence to express it in public?" you're pretty much golden from there
  8. give them a large potted plant
    oldest trick in the book, I know, but some things never go out of style
  9. don't leave the bar until they approach you
    this could take an hour. it could take a day. it could take a month. it could take a year. show them you're in it for the long haul, and stay in the same spot. if it never happens, at least you'll know that you tried you're best. and let's get real for a hot second: that's what truly matters