THE MOST SUSPICIOUS ITEMS IN YOUR HOME RIGHT NOW

look: I'm not saying you should go through your life in a paranoid panic. but a little constant vigilance never hurt anyone!
  1. the couch
    imagine if it has different taste in TV than you. it's just sitting there, judging quietly, all the time
  2. the toaster
    oh sure, a machine that *only* *makes* *toast*. THE TOASTER'S A COP
  3. the ceiling fan
    tactical superiority, what with the high ground and all
  4. the fridge
    I'm supposed to trust that this thing isn't eating all the foods I put *inside* it. ok, sure, and I'll just keep this bucket of cool whip fresh for you in my stomach
  5. the shower
    perv
  6. the bed
    HA, like I'm going to go to sleep on a bed. I sleep standing up, in the backyard, for 45 minutes a night
  7. clothes
    burn them all
  8. that large Bengal tiger
    i don't know, it just seems out of place