Why is your Colton shitting in my garden? He is ruining the pH balance!
  1. Eating
    I adopted a dog that lived off grass and who knows what else in a field while only a few months old. Try putting Gwen at 3 months old out there!
  2. Toilets
    My dog pissed in the house twice and one was totally my wife's fault. Your 7 year old son Kaedynn is still a bed wetter and should be with such an awful name.
  3. She listens
    I ask her "where's your toy?" She brings a toy. Your kid is too busy violently tugging on his dong in front of his Aunt Laura to give a shit about a toy or social norms. He a savage. An unrepentant, morally corrupt savage.
  4. Bed time
    I've read zero stories to my dog. She sleeps. She doesn't say shit about the monster under her bed because in reality he's actually a nice, misunderstood guy who just wants to get his degree in computer science.
  5. She's way cuter than your kid
    OH EM GEEZY! Look at her. Just look at her! To paraphrase Morrissey "She is canine and she needs to be loved, just like everybody else does"