1. My boss told me he's firing my colleague.
    And he's doing it tomorrow. And he's doing it based on my assessment of her.
  2. I didn't wear a bra.
    And didn't notice until I started running to make my train. I knew there had to be some benefits of small boobs.
  3. My cat escaped.
    Sneaky little bastard snuck out as I was squeezing just my arm out to drop HIS POOP BAG outside to throw it out later.
  4. I canceled a very important meeting
    ... Because my fucking cat escaped. But I of course lied and pretended like something really pressing came up. As if I'm that important. #siliconvalleyattitude
  5. I told a peer I was too busy to "sync on that"
    And proceeded to go to the breakroom to eat five strawberry hi chews.
  6. I went to the Apple Store to get my computer fixed
    Because two days ago I threw it in a big purse which happened to have an old peach in it and it squished all over the ports and now I can't connect to my monitor or Internet. Break your Mac with peach. Tell NO ONE.