HOW TO BE ME IN 5 STEPS

I'm like a Starburst- a complete contradiction.
  1. 1.
    Be an asshole.
    Say exactly what's on your mind and don't be afraid to point out when somebody is being an idiot. This will help with your off the charts anxiety levels.
  2. 2.
    Be too nice.
    Be super soft-spoken and constantly worry about what people think of you. This will help you feel good about yourself. Somewhat.
  3. 3.
    Laugh all the time.
    When you see somebody you don't know do something stupid like trip and fall into the produce display at the grocery store, don't be afraid to burst out laughing. Everyone else is so why not. This will make all the anxiety float away, even if just for a little while.
  4. 4.
    Watch all the tv.
    Despite turning your cable off, you still manage to watch all the tv you could possibly fit into your busy life. This will help you stay relevant around the water cooler.
  5. 5.
    Read all the books.
    When you aren't working or watching tv, read. Read everything from the newspaper, to online articles, to every book you can find. This will keep you smart and informed.