THE FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB

  1. Awkwardly walk around until you find the person you interviewed with.
  2. Fill out hundreds of pieces of paper without reading them.
    You probably signed away your first child but who cares, right? Nobody reads the fine print.
  3. Awkwardly sit with someone at a desk that is only meant for one person.
    If you can last 8 hours scrunched up like this you are probably a good fit.
  4. Try to get to know your new co-workers
    Where did you go to school? Do you have any kids? Do you blow your nose regularly? When is the last time you ate onions because I can smell them on your breath?
  5. When someone asks you if you have any questions, think for a moment about how you have no idea what they've been doing for the past 3 hours and say "not right now"
  6. Hold your pee all day because you're afraid to ask where the bathroom is.
  7. At quitting time jump in your car and immediately call everyone you know to tell them what a fucked up place you're working with.
    "JK they're all amazing. I know they'll all be my BFFs by the end of the week"