1. I Aborted My Baby Because I Felt Guilty He Was White Like Me
  2. I Kicked An Elderly Nun For No Reason And It Was So Funny I Put It On Snapchat
  3. I Hired An Incompetent Woman Of Color Instead Of A Qualified White Male To Work At My Factory And The Factory Burned Down And I Loved It
  4. I Was So Preoccupied Policing My Language That I Walked Into Traffic And A Church Van Swerved To Hit Me And Everybody Onboard It Died
  5. Barack Obama Told Me He's A Muslim While He Raped Me And Now I'm A Muslim Too And My Mission In Life Is To Make All The Children In America Muslim As Well
  6. I Decided To Become Gay Because My White Beta Male Husband Wasn't Satisfying Me And I'm Divorcing Him And Taking Our Kids And My Partner And I Will Raise Them Gay
  7. I Cut A Man's Penis Off Because He Said "Hello" To Me And I Only Served Two Weeks In Jail For It
  8. Don't Even Try To Defend Yourself When I Come To Rob Your House Because I'll Just Tell Everyone You're A Part Of Rape Culture
  9. I Want To Have Sex With The Environment But If It Gets Me Pregnant I Will Have An Abortion
  10. I Was So Sad Jon Stewart Left "The Daily Show" That I Joined ISIS
  11. I Murdered A Policeman Because He Was Not Driving A Low Emissions Vehicle And I'll Get Away With It, Too
  12. I Steal Guns From Elderly God-Fearing Americans In Order To Turn Them Into Pot Bongs And Then Give Them Away To Black Teens