DOS AND DON'TS FOR BACHELOR(ETTE) CONTESTANTS, ACCORDING TO PAST BACHELOR(ETTE) CONTESTANTS

  1. Do: Be there for the *right* reasons.
    Including AND limited to: looking for/finding love, getting marriage. DUH.
  2. Don't: Be there for the *wrong* reasons.
    Leave your bullshit attitude at the door, cause we don't need it here! (...is what Amy Poehler's character from Wet Hot would say to these goons)
  3. Do: Have a difficult conversation about a previous experience; cry about it.
    Popular Topics Include: former lovers who left you scorned, tragic past events, the fact that you have children.
  4. Don't: Be there to make friends.
    "I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!!!!!" is obviously something I often say to men at bars to prove I'm there for the *right reasons,* based on its effectiveness on the show.
  5. Don't: Be the Crazy One in the house.
    A REAL NO-NO.
  6. Don't: Be the first to tell The Person about the crazy one in the house, no matter now tempting.
    Backfires every time y'all.
  7. Do: Talk openly about how shocked you are that "the process" is working.
    Key Phrases Include: "I never thought I would feel THIS way in a million years."; "I didn't expect this to feel SO REAL, but it really DOES."; "I wanted to find love, but I had no idea it would work like THIS."
  8. Do: Gush frequently about how you are totally "there for [insert The Person's name]"
    Key Phrases Include: "I don't think I would still be here if this was for anybody else." "I was PRAYING it would be you." "You know, when I saw him/her on [previous Person's] season, I just knew I had to meet him/her."
  9. Do: Talk about "how natural this feels," even (especially) if you are on the most elaborate date of your life.
    Bonus Points for people who say this completely without irony, DURING the most outrageous part of the date.
  10. Do: Use metaphors and flowery language to describe how *this [extreme sports] date* ACTUALLY represents your relationship.
    "I was scared [to skydive, repel down this city's tallest building, sing in front of a crowd, etc.] at first, but you know, love is scary. And we made it through TOGETHER."
  11. Don't: Hold back an "I love you."
    Because there's no sweeter place to say those words to your "significant other," who is dating many others, than on national television, in a moment in which you are very uncertain if you're gonna get dumped.