1. Can "checking" my DNA help me remember my ATM pin?
    "Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be."
  2. Can I have something to calm my nerves?
    "You know what? I'm not supposed to have sex with my patients."
  3. Can't a doctor inject a shot into a patient's heart?
    "I'd love to, but we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different."
  4. Any summer plans?
    "There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates, so it's tricky."
  5. What's the number for emergencies?
    Call information and ask for "diabetes repair."
  6. I know you're not a dentist, but I have a terrible toothache...
    "You know, if those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster."
  7. Why is the phrase "hysterical pregnancy" problematic?
    "All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises!"
  8. My butcher friend says we should all be drinking more animal blood. Is that medically safe?
    "It keeps the spine straight!"
  9. Can you deliver my baby?
    "Full disclosure: most of my experience is putting babies IN women."
  10. Speaking of babies, why is that one covered in goop?
    "Cause everything about this is disgusting."
  11. Local or general anesthesia for my upcoming procedure?
    "I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So I highly recommend it."
  12. Isn't my watch cool? It was my mom's in the 70s!
    "You know what else is from the 70s? Women staying quiet."
  13. I don't feel well. Can you prescribe something?
    "Crystal Meth has shown to be very effective."
  14. I'm very stressed, can you help?
    "Sounds like you could use a little R&R: Rum and Ritalin."
  15. Can I sign up for that cool sleep study you're conducting?
    "Oh please. We don't want a paper trail!"
  16. Now this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in. Because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you.
    Suggested by @sarahyuro