Some of this is on me but some of this is on you.
  1. "Your first one?! I've had them for years!" re: finding my first gray hair.
    First of all, RUDE that my hair is turning on me and now I'm getting shit from friends that it didn't happen sooner. And second, what do I give a fuck about your gray hairs when you dye them and I had no idea and you are 6 months younger than me and it's not like you're going to automatically die first because you had a gray hair before me.
  2. "Calm down." when: I am not calm.
    Oh thanks, I'M ALL ZEN, SUDDENLY, WOW! I am always surprised when people say this to other people and actually MEAN to be helpful because it never is.
  3. "Try to calm down." when: I am not calm.
    People actually think adding "try to" and doing something faux supportive like rubbing my back magically transforms this into something helpful. This works only for: my mother, my sister, my best friends. If we have not been drunk together or have special nicknames for each other, adding a "try to" just doesn't help.
  4. "Don't worry, you didn't miss much anyway." re: hearing spoilers for an episode I haven't seen yet.
    Well, thanks a lot, fucker. Not only did you RUIN something I look forward to weekly, now you're telling me it also kind of sucked. Even though it clearly didn't because it was GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BLURT OUT SO PASSIONATELY that you forgot basic human decency, after I made it clear I haven't watched yet.
  5. "Oh don't worry, you won't remember any of this by the time you watch it." re: hearing spoilers for a show I don't even watch.
    Well, you know what? You're probably right. I probably wouldn't have. UNTIL YOU TOLD ME I WOULDN'T and now my brain has magically retained every word that was said in the last five minutes and now it's not even worth it. All right I'll still watch it but I'm pissed.
  6. "I'm sure you did great!" re: the test I just told you I think I failed.
    This is no one's fault. What do you say to someone who's upset about a test? There's not a lot. But when I really feel terrible about a test, I have to be alone, because any "you did great!" response I get makes me want to scream YOU DONT KNOW THAT THOUGH. But the person reassuring you always insists he/she DOES know that you did great and of course that's so sweet and supportive but also who are they, Nostradamus? They don't know.
  7. "Oh, nobody careD that you were [late/drunk/unprepared/insane/etc.]!" re: anytime I have messed up and someone tells me how the whole group perceived it.
    It may very well be true that no one cared but by using the past tense, I hear it as a conversation that HAPPENED, not just a general statement about the way people felt. I picture the group sitting around a table hashing out their thoughts and maybe even landing on "we don't care that much" but I always picture some dissent at first and try to figure out who actually did give a shit before being convinced not to.
  8. "You should take a nap/go to sleep!" re: any statement I have made about my sleeping habits.
    Uhhh NO SHIT pal, sleeping is my favorite thing. Sometimes it's my fault I get so little of it and a lot of the time it isn't. Usually this is said under the banner of "friendly concern" but always at a time when it is not possible to run off and take a nap, as I am 26 and not 6 or 20. Exception: when @Alex says this when I am choosing to do something stupid like candy crush over just going to sleep.
  9. "He's not worth it." re: any time I've cried about a boy.
    Obviously I know that intellectually. And I don't get upset when someone says this to me in real time because I appreciate being consoled while crying. But, afterward, when the tears have stopped, I think about what it means that I have cried so much over someone who didn't deserve it and I feel worse. Exception: any time @rachelleigh says this because she says it in the most factual and supportive way a person could say something.