DEAR MADDIE: OR, THINGS I MUST ADMIT TO MYSELF

  1. You're 19 years old and still scared of the dark, stop pretending that you just 'forgot' to turn off the basement light
  2. The only reason you love Dev Patel so much is because he looks like your cute coworker
  3. Your soccer booty is gone, the reign of flat ass has begun
  4. You don't really like sex, and of course you don't, because college boys are bad at it
  5. The three computers you have broken in the past 4 months was probably somewhat your fault
  6. Nobody wants to hear about the 3 computers you've broken in the past 4 months
  7. You are a lot more put together than many kids your age, don't worry that you are not enough
  8. YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT. STOP EATING DAIRY.