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Now in 10 mundane text messages for easy reading!
- •"Did u ever check your mailbox lately"I don't even know what tense I'm trying to be in, & it wasn't even that late when I sent this. Also, have gotten far too comfortable using texting slang with my close friends.
- •"I can't wait to see him and his totally average peen in a loincloth"regarding Alex Skarsgaard playing Tarzan in the new movie. Probably better with no context at all
- •"Are you caught up on Survivor"I text this to @carpar every week while I'm watching survivor with my grandma. With no punctuation, because I'm too busy strategizing with Woo.
Let's give her a break you guys. After all: "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."
- •"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."
- •"Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I'm opening a supermarket for him."Trying to find a way to practically fit this into every conversation I have.
- •"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
I haven't seen an episode of Will & Grace, until now.
- •Will's hairFlawless
- •Grace's teethFlawless
- •This is all I can focus on
- •How can two people be so beautiful
Learn from my mistakes
- •Jet Puff Marshmallow FluffSeems like it makes enough sense, but in execution it does NOT.
- •Coconut flakesWhy the hell did I just put coconut flakes in my hot chocolate
- •Peanut butterYou're right, each idea IS getting worse than the last one
- •I just put all of these things in the same mug of hot chocolateALL I WANTED WAS HOT CHOCOLATE WITH WHIPPED CREAM
- •Old NavyI am constantly getting made fun of for how much I love Old Navy. But why?? Old Navy has great, classic items and it remains the only place I will buy jeans. They are always having great sales and are pretty on top of fashion trends, honestly. 94% of every outfit I wear is from Old Navy
- •Dressing downThe only thing better than dinner and a movie is dinner and a movie in a baseball cap & hoodie. I wish everyone thought this way and acted on it. I'm as much a fan of looking presentable as the next person, but if we're doing things for leisure, with friends, or just for ourselves, can we choose comfort over style please?
- •The Hotline Bling music videoI'm still confused about this one. Do people hate it or love it or just think it's ridiculous? Because I loved it. I loved his outfits and him being trapped in that little box and the identically dressed women at the office. Most of all, I loved his dancing. HE'S JUST LIKE US, YOU GUYS!! Just a normal guy who thinks he's got steez on the dance floor but comes up totally short. Maybe it's just me, but I relate DEEPLY to that. Kudos to Drake for just being a subpar dancer & owning it.
I'd like to make it known that 1, I was the only person in the theater, & 2, I really wish people would love Michael Fassbender for more than just his looks (actually, expect a list on that soon), but sometimes I just need to objectify him like the rest of the world. I'm only human
Will someone with power get this very rough draft over to Quentin, please?
- •Mélanie Laurent as MariaAn orphan raised in an abbey & frequently abused by the Reverend Mother, the music of Gene Autry is the only thing that brings her solace. After 23 years of misery, she stabs the Reverend Mother in her eyes with the needle of her contraband record player (while quoting Ezekiel 25:17). She runs away to Austria, meets a brooding man on a bus & agrees to care for his children in exchange for safe housing.
- •Michael Fassbender as The CaptainTortured by his violent past in the Navy & the mysterious death of his wife. He shelters Maria in his sprawling estate. Insistent that Maria teaches his children the difference between a German 3 & a normal 3- believes it will help defend them against Nazis. Involved with a wealthy Baroness from Berlin, who has been supplying him w/ cocaine for the past 2 years. Maria inspires him to get clean, & he cuts ties with the Baroness in a dialogue-heavy scene filled with fast cuts.
- •Uma Thurman as the BaronessAlways dressed in red. Always smoking. A very dark character w/ a shady past who deeply loves the Captain. Feels betrayed when she realizes he never felt the same. Begins plotting her revenge on the Captain & Maria- the woman who replaced her. Meets a guy named Max in a pub, the two decide to work together when they discover they have more in common than they thought.
This is the closest I'll get to a Sex and The City lifestyle
- •Sassy Belizean Princess. We hate all the same things (which is such a good quality in a friend). Kicks ass & patiently puts up with so much nonsense, like me trying to attack her with kisses when she's not looking (physical touch is my love language, not hers). Tweets @ Anders Holm like, bimonthly telling him how much she would like to know him biblically. Drives the coolest Isuzu Trooper, looks like Rosario Dawson, loves history & fashion. Makes dank Mexican food. A (less selfish) Carrie
- •When I describe Mary to people all I can say is "leopard flats, spunky, has great stationary." Emily & I were roommates for like, 3 months & all we did was drink Diet Coke & listen to the Sound of Music soundtrack on vinyl. We have a bit where we act like perverse southern belles who have slept w/ all of Georgia & only we think it's funny. The only thing we text about is True Blood (we are both bingeing at the same time) & annoying Instagram accounts. A Miranda, ONLY because of her hair color.
- •Carli & I became friends in 2013 when I heard her loudly quoting the Grinch & I was the only person who knew the next line. Carli grew up convinced that the only man she could ever love was Jerry Seinfeld & I have never met someone who knows so much about the history of Survivor. We've camped together a lot, meaning we've also peed outside together a lot (truly bonds you to a person). But she also brought dumbbells to these camping trips TO EXERCISE W/. So she's kinda weird. Totally a Charlotte.
- •I guess that makes me a SamanthaCuz Sam would TOTALLY wear overalls to her 21st birthday bash
Not including the scenarios I have written down in my Dream Journal
- •Arnold SchwarzeneggerArnold has a vacation house in a resort community 3 hours away from where I live. For my 18th birthday my best friend & I went to find it. We found his private estate (where there are tons of life-sized, painted ceramic cows???) & we didn't really think he would be there when we went (what are the chances) but HE WAS. We were looking over the fence when a huge escalade pulled up. It was a security guard & Arnold was in the passenger seat. They literally chased us off the property & I was stoked
- •Russell CroweI went through a phase in 2013 where I would tweet really outrageous quotes and source them as being said by Russell Crowe. He finally took notice one day and I don't think he found the humor in it???
- •This is still one of my proudest moments to date.
- •My dad played golf with Thomas Kinkade????That's literally all I have left.