Apples, Ranked

  1. Fiona
    Fiona Apple always has and always will kick ass
  2. Cider, alcoholic
    Whoever first thought of this was a true titan
  3. created by Steve Jobs
    Steve-o smiling cuz it costs child laborers 25 cents to make a 600 dollar phone. RIP ya crazy bastard
  4. Pie
    An American classic
  5. Honey crisp
    Arguably the best of all the apples, and worth the hefty price tag.
  6. The Desperate Housewives apple
    This is a sexy, fun apple you kinda feel guilty about eating.
  7. Apple bottom jeans
    Shawty got low
  8. Applebee's
    The only reason Applebee's isn't dead last on this list is because of its affiliation with John Corbett. My love for John Corbett could move mountains, or in this case, convince me to think about maybe going to Applebee's. It's all good in the neighborhood. (Thanks to @sarahgorman for reminding me about this!)
  9. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin's daughter
    Homegirl is towards the bottom of the list because I know absolutely nothing about her, except for the pity I feel for her because of her name. also Goop is probably a helicopter mom, which is sad as well.
  10. The Original Apple: Garden of Eden
    This apple totally sucks. Basically caused the fall of man, & thanks to Eve eating it & disobeying our Lord and Savior, I am cursed with the pain of childbirth and periods.