MY SLEEP STUDY DIARY
I've never been A+ at sleeping so I went to my local hospital for a fun sleepover. here's a transcript
- •arrive at the sleep center and get buzzed in. meet JustinJustin is my night tech. this, for anyone who's not familiar with medicinal terminology means "the man who watches me sleep and glues electrodes to my scalp."
- •Justin hooks me upas in Justin glues things to my scalp, legs, chest, back, and face. How I Met Your Mother plays on mute in the background. Justin is nervous and laughs a lot and mentions how young I am several times.
- •I get in bedJustin leaves (or does he? because he can watch me on the camera placed right over my bed) anyway, because I'm a millennial I immediately snap off a round of sick selfies
- •Justin tells me I can watch tv until i fall asleepthanks Justin, but can you also be a doll and bring me some hospital binoculars as this tv is 300 miles away
- •Justin calibrates the sleep systemwhich is done by him talking to me over the hands free intercom (hands free because he can hear anything I say at any time) by having me move my eyes and shit. it is slightly unsettling to think that a stranger will monitor my every move through several different channels overnight
- •i marvel over the ingenuity of whoever decided to put the hospital's helipad next to the sleep center. nothing lulls an insomniac to sleep like HELICOPTER LANDING
- •I drift off into sweet sleepactually this is an exaggeration. I took triple the amount of sleep drugs I usually take and then tossed and turned for a while. sleeping with all the wires and tubes and straps is not ideal. plus you have to have the wire port thing in bed with you, and I kept rolling over on it
- •the sweet sound of Justin's voice coaxes me to life......at 5 fucking thirty AM. I went to bed at midnight
- •Justin watches me sleepI mention this more than once because it feels creepy. im not faulting Justin but like........1984 vibes??
- •I stay the entire day at the sleep lab doing narcolepsy testswhich means 5 forty minute naps with an hour in between each which I spend talking to the Long Distance Boyf in Kuala Lumpur, who is the only one awake at 6 am (6pm his time), and watching 30 Rock.
- •I go homewith copious amounts of electrode glue in my hair