IRREFUTABLE WINE DESCRIPTORS

Perhaps you want to sound smart about wine, but are actually clueless. Say these things. They sound somewhat smart and are largely irrefutable.
  1. Having Minerality
    No one can prove that soil imparts any chemical components into finished wine. Many people swear that soil minerals affect the wine flavour. Thread the needle by describing the wine as having a Minerality and steadfastly refusing to elaborate what this actually means.
  2. Earthy
    Does not apply to wines made on Moon, Mars, or other extraterrestrial colonies.
  3. Elegant
    Some people think TJ Maxx is elegant. Go to town with this one.
  4. Complex
    Yes, it is complex. Nature is boundless in its weirdness. Roll with it.
  5. Fruitful
    The wine is literally full of fruit. The sole ingredient is fruit.
  6. Enjoyable
    Joy is in the eye of the beholder. If you enjoy it, it is enjoyable. End of debate.