Pretty sure I already sold a pallet to New York based on this list alone. Prepayment only.
  1. Vegan (of course)
    Each bunch will be gently shaken by a locally-sourced shaman to remove any spiders or insects
  2. Made by a transgender winemaker
    Women winemakers are regressive. Bonus points if they are previously disadvantaged.
  3. Organic
    Don't worry about copper poisoning: it's organic!
  4. Naturally fermented
    Inside a biohazard containment unit; mustn't let any human-selected yeasts ferment my human-selected grape varieties
  5. Wine of origin Thurkmenhbashi
    No one can pronounce where it's from, so it must be good... (BTW you're saying it wrong)
  6. Biodynamic
    Harvested by moonlight because the moon rays impart astrality
  7. Turbid
    Clear, brilliant wines are for sissies
  8. Sold in repurposed goat bladders
    Bottles are bourgeois