THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY JOB

as a sarcastic employee at a christian college
  1. BEING TOLD TO SMILE MORE OFTEN
    oh yes, I'm sorry. I forgot that I'm the only Christian you know that doesn't smile and shake a tambourine to the high heavens 24/7!
  2. EXISTENTIAL OFFICE DEBATES
    who exhibits more characteristics of the antichrist: donald trump or barack obama?
  3. HAVING CHURROS AT AN OFFICE MEETING
    watching a myriad of coworkers who don't know what the word "phallus" means stuff this delicious snack down their throats is a complete and absolute pleasure!
  4. HAVING "FAKE SANGRIA" AT AN OFFICE MEETING
    1) mix one bottle of weak fruit punch with one bottle of Walmart brand Sprite. 2) "fake sangria? haha are you sure you didn't spike this Mary? it tastes like the real thing!" 3) feigned drunkenness and forced laughter ensues.
  5. ENCOUNTERING COWORKERS IN THE BREAKROOM
    will I encounter a previously friendly coworker who will decide to completely ignore me? or will i be accosted by a complete stranger who will have an impromptu and non-consensual bible study with me? tune in at 3pm to find out!
  6. THE FUN GAMES WE PLAY
    my favorite game is "who's getting engaged this week?!" in a culture obsessed with abstinence, it's inevitable that everyone will get married off ASAP as possible to free themselves from the bondage of suppressed horny-ness.