1. don't come over totally unannounced
    especially at night or without making yourself known somehow!!! 'cause I'll think you're a cop or a serial killer or someone even worse, you'll needlessly terrify me, and I ultimately won't want to open the door for you anyway
  2. don't invite anyone over without running it by both of us
    we'd probably love to have them, but we're really not cool with them randomly showing up
  3. don't ask us to watch any other TV show if the @mindy Project is already on
    it's futile; we won't want to
  4. don't be an asshole
    in other words, don't ever perpetuate, allow, or encourage racism, sexism, ableism, Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, queerphobia, rape, assault, harassment, domestic abuse, sex-shaming, body-shaming, or victim-blaming, here or anywhere else
  5. don't eat all our food
    I mean, eat something here if you're really hungry, but please don't complain about all our vegetarian products, finish off our last six slices of bread, or forget to refill our water filter – please