Modern Children's TV Shows and the Ridiculous Thoughts and Theories I Have About Them

  1. The Fresh Beat Band
    This show is really about a future Mormon society forced to live underground due to [whatever: nuke winter, drought, Kanye...]. Tight rules regarding population control are maintained by people being channeled into set identities. Thus, there has always been a Twist, Kiki, Shout, and Marina. As evidence, I point to the nonplussed replacement of Marina and the junior Fresh Beats occasionally seen in the background scenes who will someday quietly replace the current FBs. I think the FBs know this.
  2. PJ Masks
    Three kids whose pajamas turn them into superheroes at night who fight kid supervillains. WTF? No one in this city is outside at night to see all this mayhem? Where are the police? There are no police working at night? And who is giving these elementary school kids all this high tech stuff they use? It turns out that this show is based on a series of French books. The French. Yeah. Say no more.
  3. Bubble Guppies
    Suspension of disbelief-breaker show. Kids are merpeople and everything is half fish. Mer-dogs, mer-chickens, and so on. No problem. Very cute. But then they do stuff like go on a camping trip where they visit a lake. A lake! Underwater! Then tell stories around a camp fire. A camp fire! Under water! Makes me crazy. Every episode seems to push it further. I think they're just doing it to dick with me.
  4. Max & Ruby
    I like this show about these anthropomorphic rabbits. Plenty of shows about animals living otherwise human lives. Okay, fine, but then every now and then they throw in the odd, creepy thing: like a doll--a human doll. There were people in this rabbit world? Where are they now? WTF, Max and Ruby? Genocide much?
  5. Dora and Friends
    You all know Dora, right? Little girl with talking monkey friend, Boots? That's a whole 'nother list.This is a new show where Dora is older and has left behind that peyote-inspired nightmare land in order to hang with new friends who look like they would never include you in their clique no matter how many times they smile at you in the hall. She meets up with an older Boots in some episode that made it look like two people who dated in 7th grade bumping into each other at the mall. Awkward!