THE WINDOW SEAT: AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING NIGHTMARE IN THE SKY

  1. The window seat is the worst seat on an airplane. I don't care who you are or where you're from, I will fight you about this.
  2. It's cold as FUCK
    The air temperature outside of a jet at cruising altitude is typically around -50 degrees, not accounting for windchill. The temperature in a window seat is about two degrees warmer.
  3. I constantly have to pee,
    and when you have the window seat you have to ask not one, but TWO strangers for permission to go about your business, like a fucking child in some draconian elementary school run by sadists.
  4. "Would you care for something to drink?"
    "Water, no ice? Coming right up. I'm going to hand it to the random motherfucker beside you, so they can get their grubby paws all over your cup, because I have no idea when the last time was that they washed their damn hands, and your immediate surroundings aren't yet filthy enough. Cookies or pretzels?"
  5. Window seats leave no method by which to escape unwanted conversation, barring turning yourself into a spider and scurrying up the side of the fuselage.
    Sitting at the aisle? Go for a walk and never return. Sitting in the middle? Stop the conversation in its tracks by talking to the person on your other side. Sitting at the window? Accept this as punishment for your sins, and let a complete stranger pull out his Lenovo to show you pictures from Family Reunion 2009.
  6. The view is spectacular.
    God, I love the way the sky is blue and clouds are white. So magnificent. And I love the way the aforementioned grubby stranger leans into me to look out the window and take cellphone photos of the plane's wingtip. Such a beautiful experience.
  7. Have a connecting flight to catch? A need to visit a washroom that isn't airborne? An overwhelming urge to make that mandatory "I'm back in Canada!" Tim Hortons pit stop?
    What a shame, Motherfuckers #1 and #2 decided to take a little rest while everyone else is hauling ass and getting their carry on luggage out of the overhead bins. Your desire to get off the plane in no way affects the speed of your deplaning. And as the Window Seat Bitch, you will spend the next 5-10 minutes in a purgatory between sitting and standing, as you press your ass up against the aforementioned icy window and repeatedly smash the side of your face into the attendant call button.
  8. For the record, the best seat is the aisle seat.