Things I find genuinely terrifying :
  1. Clowns: I'm sure I'm not alone here. Were clowns ever funny? No. Of course not. They were always sinister figures, disguising their homicidal intentions under thick make-up, all the while their crawl spaces and chest freezers were brimming with Cub Scout parts .
  2. Mimes: like cats, when entering a space, they gravitate towards the one person who fears them . Their purposes are always to embarrass, to draw attention to the shy, the troubled, the hungover. Pure evil.
  3. Switzerland: I think I must have experienced some awful childhood trauma in view of a mural of snow capped peaks and Lake Geneva. I live with a persistent dread of alpine vistas, chalet architecture, Tyrolean hats, even cheese with holes in it. You will notice I have never been there. That's because Switzerland frightens me.
  4. Karaoke: singing in public in general . Korean karaoke is an exception. Like anything shameful, I prefer to do it in private. And after enough soju, anything is possible. Karaoke should only be performed with people who have already seen your genitals.
  5. Rats: Fuck snakes. I eat them. Spiders? No problem! But rats. Rats! Maybe it's my years in the restaurant business , but the appearance of a rat was always the beginning of the end. An augur of doom. A poisoned rat once crawled out of a wall and flopped limply onto my foot to die. They had to scrape me off the ceiling.
  6. Also: Polka music, ukeleles, neckbeards with banjos, golf clothes—in fact golfers in general, The Real Housewives of Anywhere ( their glassy gazes, surgical addictions and single minded hunger for attention are a clear and present danger to anyone in their trajectories), pressure cookers, and Nashville Hot Chicken ( the extra hot version).