Things Susan Miller Predicts in My Horoscope Every Month

As they say, astrology is easier to give than receive.
  1. Water Damage
    Susan Miller 100% has a deal with State Farm. And with Poseidon. It's called vertical integration, Lemon.
  2. DO NOT SIGN A CONTRACT
    Mercury is in retrograde until the 21st and then Mars is in retrograde until the 27th and by then Venus is in your eighth house of reading your horoscope obsessively so really I would prefer if you could just wait until July.
  3. If you're single, this is a great month for love.
    Fool me once...
  4. In a relationship? Get away for the weekend with your rich lover.
    Silent resentment towards all the Sagittarians having hot vacation sex in bathtubs filled with money.
  5. A man from your past will betray you.
    This isn't my first Rodeo, Susan.
  6. Sorry this horoscope is late; I was sick.
    My astrologer unexpectedly falling ill and missing a consistent monthly deadline lands squarely in my 13th house of overwhelming irony.