My pal FJM has a new album coming out. To celebrate, here is a hypothetical movie scene for every Father John song.
  1. Funtimes in Babylon
    Darker scene. Outdoor wedding. Everyone is doing a formal dance but the bride and a guest are clearly making eyes at each other from across the clearing. She wanted to marry HIM not him! (Gasp.)
  2. Nancy From Now On
    A long shot of a youngish man looking out of the passenger window of a grimy van. He carries a small notebook. He's running away from it all with whoever it is in the driver's seat.
  3. Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings
    Sex. That's all I got.
  4. I'm Writing A Novel
    Comedy. A man arrives at a writers retreat, desperately trying to finish his latest play before the deadline. As he parks and enters the minimalist, natural scape, he realizes the retreat doubles as a nudist colony.
  5. O I Long to Feel Your Arms Around Me
    Opens in a dimly lit chapel. A woman lights a candle. When she stands and turns to face the camera, she is silently crying. Long, following shot of her walking down the aisle and out of the church. Her breathing grows louder. As the doors open and the sunlight crashes down on her face, she falls to her knees on the steps and begins to sob. Wide shot of the church, which dwarfs her small frame.
  6. Misty's Nightmares 1 & 2
    A man sings this on a small stage at the helm of an intimate house party. Tight shots of the drums. The singer casts his eyes over to a couple in the corner who are quietly fighting, then to a woman standing in front of him, who holds his gaze until the songs ends.
  7. Only Son of the Ladiesman
    Long driving shot of a guy coming back to the midwestern suburbs from Los Angeles for his father's funeral. Slightly squinting into the sun at some points, he passes his old high school, several small stores, and a church sign that reads: REST IN PEACE MR. JIMMY TAYLOR. SERVICE AT 1 ON MONDAY. He pulls into his driveway and stares at the house in silence. As the song ends, he finally gets out of the car.
  8. This Is Sally Hatchet
    The anti-hero puts on loud, harsh makeup in front of low lit vanity before going out to get her revenge.
  9. Well, You Can Do It Without Me
    A couple comes in from a late night. They've been fighting. One of them gets up from a nice chair in the den and drops the needle on this song. They move to the center of the room and begin to dance by themselves, first as a joke, then seriously. The other stands in the doorway with a glass, smiling, before joining them.
  10. Now I'm Learning to Love the War
    A woman stands in her corner office, staring at a graph. The last intern comes in and says goodnight, hitting the office lights as she goes. The woman remains calm. As the tempo ramps up she suddenly begins to knock over various pieces of furniture. She throws a glass at the graph, flips chairs, knocks down a set of shelves. Cut to a security guard turned away from the televisions displaying live footage. On one screen we see her continuing to wreak havoc. Cut back. She sits and cries.
  11. Tee Pees 1-12
    A bright, comedic montage of a young assistant driving around to several tiny shops trying to find a particular brand of gum his boss needs right. Now. He is often stopped by shopkeepers and clerks who are confused and concerned by his hurried demeanor.
  12. Everyman Needs a Companion
    Montage of a series of fights and resolutions between a young couple.
  13. I Love You, Honeybear
    Big city. Rain pouring. Night. A guy runs through the streets, trying to reach his friend's apartment in time to tell them he loves them before they leave town. They kiss in the rain on the steps of a brownstone.
  14. Chateau Lobby #4 (In C for Two Virgins)
    A couple dances through their new house shortly after being married. Wide shots of the two of them running down hallways. Close ups of a grin lighting one of their faces. They glide into the kitchen and one of them picks the other up. They fall down on the rug in the bedroom, collapsing into laughter.
  15. True Affection
    Playing in a bar as background noise. In the foreground, the two primary protagonists talk about how their boyfriends are jerks. In the periphery, people dance to the music.
  16. The Night Josh Tillman Came to Our Apartment
    A man sits in the corner at a party. Across the room, a woman laughs and climbs into a chair to talk to the host. He watches her with interest. Later, as someone engages him in conversation, he sees her get up and go toward the kitchen and follows. He enters and she sits on the counter and glares at him. "Are you watching me?"
  17. When You're Smiling and Astride Me
    Two individuals meet eyes from across a crowded room. Finally bumping into each other, they realize they were friends in high school. X always had a thing for Y. They go home together.
  18. Nothing Good Ever Happens at the Goddamn Thirsty Crow
    A woman sits at a bar, sipping scotch and leaning over a small leather journal. A man comes in and stands in the wide doorway, looking at her curiously. He sits at the other end of the bar and buys another drink for her. When the bartender sets in front of her, she raises her head and looks over at him. She smiles and raises a glass. He mirrors the gesture. He meanders down to her. "You told me you weren't getting in until tomorrow." "I tell you a lot of things."
  19. Strange Encounter
    A car cruises down a highway. It's night. Dark, desolate. A woman drives, the two front windows down. She blows cigarette smoke out of the window. She pulls off on an exit. She drives through the quite streets of a suburb. She pulls the car into an apartment complex and walks, trance-like, up the stairs. As she falls into bed, she begins to cry.
  20. The Ideal Husband
    Bachelor's weekend. A montage. A man parties, drinks, smokes, shoots up, sleeps around, and parties some more. [Cut the song a little short—cut to the "seven in the morning" earlier]. Speeding down the road.He arrives at his fiancée's doorstep, drunk and disheveled. She opens the door, looks at him for a moment, and slams it shut.
  21. Bored in the USA
    A man rides the subway on the way to work. Rides the elevator. Walks down the hallway. Stares out the window. He gets on the elevator again. He emerges on the roof. He stands still for a moment. He walks out the edge of the plateau. Places his hands on the thick, marble rail. Looks out. Steps back. Places his foot against the rail. Braces himself with his hands. Pauses. Steps back. Places his hands to his face. Gets into the elevator.
  22. Holy Shit
    A college student sits at a table in the library, flipping through piles and piles of books. Whitman, Yeats, Dickinson, Poe, cummings. He finally slams one shut and walks out of the library, running into his significant other. "I was just looking for you," they say. He kisses them. "I don't know what to say. Or how to say it.But I want to marry you."
  23. I Went to the Store One Day
    Graham Nash's biopic. This is the soundtrack to the (COMPLETELY TRUE) scene where Joni Mitchell breaks up with him. He is installing new hardwood in her house while she's out of town. He turns down this song on the radio when he hears a knock at the door. Behind the slab of wood is a young guy with an envelope. "Telegram for you, sir." He says. It reads: If you hold sand too tightly in your hand, it will run through your fingers.
  24. Real Love Baby
    A woman teaches art at the front of a small room. Students sit in a semi circle around her, holding watercolors and art board. A man comes in. Delivery. He hands her a large bouquet of of white flowers. She signs. She stares at them for a moment before excusing herself. Running down the hall she slides into an English class, half-full of zoned out teenagers and another teacher standing at the ELMO, annotating a passage. The teacher looks up. The art instructor walks over and kisses them, leaves.