How to Make Me Fall in Love With You (Platonically & Romantically)

Believe me, it's not hard!
  1. Be glaringly unavailable!
    The more unavailable, the better. Maybe you could be in a committed relationship? Literally incapable of being attracted to me? Be an inanimate object? It's your call!
  2. Be super frustrating as a person!
    Don't get excited about any topic of conversation I bring up. Better yet, come up with your own topics of conversation and force me to talk about them even as I'm trying to instigate conversation myself (even better if I'm talking to someone else)!
  3. Be my friend, partially ghost on me, then come right back and say we're friends!
    1) Call yourself my best friend. 2) Slowly start talking to me less and less. 3) Enter a committed relationship and don't tell me for at least a month (time frame is key). 4) Allow me to hear about it through complete hearsay. 5) Swoop in and say your my best friend again!
  4. Abandon me for other people without notice at all!
    In fact, make plans with me to do something right then. Then, when someone else walks in the room, leave with them! Then do that two or three times until you've really nailed it.
  5. Be creative with other ways you could metaphorically shit on my life!
    Tell me you don't care about the things I care about! Tell me I'm going to hell! Don't respond to texts about our plans that day until fifteen minutes after plans were supposed to occur! This is the time for you to think outside the box; don't waste this chance!!!